Hot Button Topics

As I make the videos I’m seeing that there are a few more things I want to write as well.  So I’m posting this to the blog, even though it's not exactly in order of the subjects within the blog.  But as I wrote the script for the next videos, I realized I wanted to discuss this part of communication more. So here it is. 

Hot button topics are next.  You might remember that these are subjects or issues we’re passionate about, or issues that set us off. 

Hot button topics can be like landmines – if you know where they are you try to tiptoe around them.  If you don’t, you'll experience an unexpected explosion.  For example:

Brett: Hey, did you hear about that report on the decline of polar bears?

Philip: No, what about it?

Brett: It said that global warming is affecting the bears’ habitat, and that if we don’t decrease our carbon emissions, they’ll all die.

Philip: (Louder) What!! What kind of nonsense is that?  What are you saying?  Aren’t polar bears supposed to be able to swim?!?  You mean it’s my fault that they can’t lay around on icebergs all day??

Brett:  (Louder) Chill, I was just telling you what it said.  You always get so upset about stupid things!

Philip:  (Louder) I do not!!  Besides, you agreed with it, you liberal wacko!!! 

Apparently global warming was a hot-button topic for Philip, and things were headed downhill.  Here are some things you can do when one of these blows up on you.

From the Bible, Proverbs 15:1 tells us that a soft answer turns away wrath.  When one person in the conversation begins to get upset, the natural response is for the other to do so as well.  But if we take the advice of Proverbs, we will choose to speak more softly.  Remember, it takes two people to argue.  So let’s try it again with the Proverbs approach:

Brett: Hey, did you hear about that report on the demise of polar bears?

Philip: No, what about it?

Brett: It said that global warming is affecting the bears’ habitat, and that if we don’t decrease our carbon emissions, they’ll all die.

Philip: (Louder) What!! What kind of nonsense is that?  What are you saying?  Aren’t polar bears supposed to be able to swim?!?  So it’s my fault that they can’t lay around on icebergs all day??

Brett: (quieter)  No, I didn’t say that.  I was just telling you what the report said, I don’t necessarily agree with all of it.

Philip: (a little quieter)  Oh.  Well, did they talk about how the data was collected?

Something else we can do is to recognize when we are getting emotional.  A tool we can use to talk about this is shown below.  You can think of it as if we have different emotional  zones.  In the green zone we’re calm, when we move to the yellow we’re somewhat upset, and at the red zone we’re really mad.  As we move from the green to yellow to red, our heart rates increase and the level of oxygen in our blood decreases.  This means less rational thinking and more impulsive emotion.  That’s why people who think back later on what they’ve done might say something like “I don’t know what came over me”.

Obviously, communication when we’re in the red zone is not going to go well.  So how about trying these steps? 

1. Talk with your spouse about green, yellow and red zones when you’re in the green zone.  That gives you and your spouse this communication tool. 
   
   
2. When you’re moving into the yellow zone, let your spouse know.  This will take tact.  It might help to include an admission that “I’m getting upset”.
   
   
3. Agree to a 20-30 minute break for both of you to cool off.  But remember, it’s not finished; plan to get back together to resolve the conflict.
   
   

We’ll talk about fatigue, bad attitudes and multi-tasking in upcoming videos and blogs.

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